Wild Child

Geetu spent her teenage years ‘getting up to all sorts of weird stuff’.

“I had boyfriends, I went out partying, I jumped of balconies… my parents didn’t get involved.”



Sounds like normal teenage stuff, but this is a unique story in India, where social pressures and family pride limit teenage rebellion.

In her late 20’s Geetu decided she needed some stability for her future. She was working as a lawyer at the time, and met her husband at the same firm.

“I seduced him!” She said with a laugh. “He’s a really nice man, he earned good money, and I knew he’d be a good father… and he could put up with someone like me.”

Geetu now has two kids of her own. She’s so different to many of the other Mums we’ve met, who’s kids are their sole focus. Geetu has her own career, she has her ex-boyfriends’ art all over her walls and a huge music collection featuring musicians from all over the world.



She’s the first to laugh at her ‘shortcomings’ as a Mum (working long hours, letting her kids run wild every now and then), and her honesty reminds us that there’s no such thing as a perfect Mum. Geetu is a great Mum, but she is also a real person, with her own desires, passions and flaws.

Challenge: Free Indian Mums from the pressure of perfection.

Running the Gauntlet

(OK, so this is not really about family, but it is about cars, and families need cars, so it makes the cut.)

I spent 9 hours on the road today, driving through small towns between Delhi and Agra. Roshan, my driver, doesn’t speak much English and I don’t speak any Hindi, but we had a great day together. He took me to his favorite roadside café, where we drank tea together and I sent up a prayer for my kiwi-girl stomach.

For the entire 9 hours of driving, Roshan had his hand poised above the horn. Honking in India is just part of driving - it doesn’t convey anger or frustration as it does where I come from, here it is more a signal to say “here I am on your left” or “coming up on your right.”



Once I got used to the constant weaving, breaking, accelerating, dodging and honking, I started to see the road in a new way; one of the few places in India where hierarchy doesn’t matter. Cows, ricks, buses, bikes and cars all vie for their spot. There’s an each for his own mentality, and everyone takes whatever they can get.



Almost every car has at least one ding or scrape, but these imperfections add character, like well won battle scars. It’s easy to imagine each vehicle with it’s own personality; gutsy, tough, nimble, fearless and pushy. Cars in India need more than good specs and features, they need attitude.

Challenge: Win the road.

Pop Girls Love Grandma

Cousins Neha (10), Indira and Rohini (14) gave me a tour of the house. Their bedrooms were no different to the rooms of my teenage cousins in New Zealand, or Sandy’s teenage daughter in Toronto. JT, Avril, Green Day and Beyonce are stuck to the walls. The computer sits there ready for another Facebook session.



But just around the corner, the girls open a door into a tiny room where a small shrine sits against the wall.

“This is where we pray to our god. This is everything to us…. I pray to say thankyou if I get a good grade, or if I’m are happy about my dog, or if there’s something wrong at school.”

The girl’s grandmother teaches them about their god, and they absolutely love her. They eat breakfast in her room, Indira (like so many other Indian grandchildren) sleeps in her bed, partly to ease the emptiness left since her grandfather died.



These girls are cute and cool and modern, but they’re also incredibly proud of their traditions and passionate in their beliefs.

Opportunity: Hold on to the good bits of the past as you move them forward.

From A Mother's Heart

When we first walked into Anuja’s home the first thing she wanted to show us were pictures of the ceremony (Munjam) her 8 year old son had just gone through. It is very significant in Anuja’s home as it signifies his ‘finding of himself’. In ancient times he would leave his family and join the guru to find his path in life. Today, fathers act as guru’s for the ceremony and schools help children find their path in life. Aside from these two points the ceremony adheres to customary traditions from traditional dress, shaving clean the scalp, learning of chants, and tons of food.



Anuja took great care to tell us her role. In ancient times, a young boy would never want to leave his mother’s home without food she provided for his journey. She would carefully prepare his favourite foods and place them in white cloth to carry him through. In her son’s bag, Anuja placed biscuits, candy, nuts and an assortment of non perishable food that would sustain him during his time away from her. She was careful to tell us “this food comes from my heart to him. It is a mother’s heart he carries with him.”

Opportunity: Connect Mom To Her Son Through The Food They Prepare As They Journey Through Life

All Marriages End Up In The Same Place … Arranged Or Marriage

Raman and her sister-in-law were both clear that they would prefer for their children to have arranged marriages instead of ‘love’ marriages. I was surprised. These two entrepreneurial woman, both running their own business, wearing labeled brands like Jimmy Choo and Gucci, would prefer if they could arrange their children’s marriage. I was sooooooo surprised.

Raman and her sister-in-law explained it to me. And now I get it. Yesterday, in Pune, Preity told us that “if I have trusted my parents through the first part of my life, why would I not trust them to make the right decision about my marriage.” Raman and her sister felt the same way. “They care about me. They want me to be in a relationship I feel at home. The same class. The same values. The same feelings towards family. They do all the work so I don’t have to worry.” Raman’s husband Harvinder reinforced this by saying “ we were together for 15 minutes and knew it would be ok.”



“We grew up knowing our parents would make this choice for us and that they would do it with our best interests in mind. When you go into a love marriage you don’t think rationally. Everything is emotional. The moment feels fine but who knows long term.” Raman explains.

So here it is.

An arranged marriage is rational.
A love marriage is emotional.

Both have the same chance of finding balance between love and respect … or not!!!!

The Truth: Sometimes There Is No Right Or Wrong

All Or Nothing

We are beginning to look like Mangos. They happen to be in season and the mentality here is that you better eat them all. Fast! Needless to say we have not been into a home yet were they haven’t offered us multiple servings of mango slices, mango puree, mango dip.



The same is true of the air-conditioning. It is very hot outside … and equally cold inside.

When you go to a restaurant or to someone’s home you are fed in extremes. Not a little, not a bit. Just a whole lot!

Opportunity: Go For It … Too Much Doesn’t Exist!

The Truth About Marriage

I aked both Anuja and Anya about Bollywood love stories vs. the reality of their own marriages. They both looked at me like I was crazy. Anuja was quick to say “that is fantasy, marriage is reality.”

Sitting on the floor in Anuja’s home with a bowl of mango and some roti to we watched Neha’s (Anuja’s daughter) favourite movie and realized that even in the movies when love was involved, the story switched to a fantasy scene reinforcing that the relationships depicted in the movies are fantasy. The two never seem to meet.



Anya felt that many girls today grow up thinking that they will find a love story just like the ones in Bollywood only to be disappointed by the reality of marriage.

“You have to be quick to tell them it is fantasy and that marriage is very different. They shouldn’t fool themselves into disappointment. They may find a love marriage, but it will never live up to the fantasy you see in Bollywood.”

Truth: Fantasy is Fantasy. Reality is Reality. Love is Love.

Unnecessary Pity

Maitrin was the first to say it and we loved her for it;

“I don’t want to be pitied”.

She had left her drug abusing husband and is one of the few women in India filing for divorce. When she lived in Mumbai shortly after she left her husband she was pitied by many. An emotion that left her feeling week and helpless.

When she moved to Pune she was able to take control of the situation and end the pity. “Being pitied doesn’t help. It makes you feel worse and leaves you feeling helpless with your situation.”

Even Moni whom we met on the first day, did not want our pity despite her apparent unhappiness.



Many of the women we have met seek strength. They desire opportunities. They want hope. The last thing they want is pity.

Truth: Forget The Pity, Inspire Hope.

Everyone Is A Judge

Contentment and agreement seem to be the way of living here in India. People don’t seem to voice their anger or dissatisfaction with us the way people have in other parts of the world when given the undivided attention of a couple of Xplorers.



When we ask how it is to live with your mother-in-law running the house we get a head nod and a range of answers from “it is the way we do things” to “she is like my mother”. Hmmmm … I couldn’t live with my mother-in-law running the house!

Not until we met Anya did we begin to understand why people seem to keep their real emotions inside. Anya does not live with her Mother-in-law, in fact she was quick to tell us how much she disliked her. Her husband, a sea merchant, is rarely home. She is the first person who expressed anger or dissatisfaction without hesitation. She can. She lives in a large double flat apartment with her two teenage daughters. Her husband comes home every six months for 4 months at time. She has space but more importantly, she has no one within ear distance to judge her. She is free.



She told us that when families fight it is not usually loud and boisterous. Because of the proximity of others, fights tend to be silent. “People judge you very quickly so you need to give them nothing to judge. You need to stay quiet”. She went on to say that “close conditions means most people have to repress what they feel or want. It is not healthy.”

A few minutes later I asked her when her first kiss was with her husband. She giggled, waved her hand and said “that is too private, my daughter (who was working at the computer near by) would judge me.”

Opportunity: Give them the space they need to express their true emotions.

Nothing Stands Still

Delhi, Bombay and even its smaller sister Pune are cities that never sleep. Everything moves constantly. Taxis, Tuks, Scooters, Bikes and Pedestrains flow through the streets like blood through veins.



As soon as you get out of the car there is no option to stand still, you have to start moving.

Agit is marketing his new real estate business with this in mind.

“Why waste all that money a billboard that stands still and no-one looks at it. We’re buying 20 cabs - we’ll have a small corporate taxi company and we’ll brand the cars with our logo and website.”



Opportunity: Move with the City.

The City Community

Community is incredibly important in India. The food you eat, the gods you pray to, the clothes you wear, and of course the family you marry into, is all defined by community.



But things are changing in India. The growing cities attract people from different communities and casts. Neighbors form bonds regardless of their differences. Work colleagues form friendships – new communities are born.

The cities are stirring up India and melting away the barriers.

Challenge: Help people form new communities.

Freedom from Rigidity

The travel bug is spreading through India like wildfire. For lots of the families we’ve met, travel comes before a bigger house or a car on the wish list.



Anya’s husband is a merchant sea man, she and her two girls have met him in ports all over the world. The girls have a giant world map on the wall where they map their Dad’s journey and dream of new places to go. They’re proud of the weird foods they’ve eaten, and the people they’ve met. Although she’s come from a very conservative family, Anya and her girls are open and broad minded.



In a country where men very rarely enter the kitchen, travel forced Preity’s husband to learn to cook. Based for a short time in Korea for work, he couldn’t handle the non-veg food. So Preity taught him the basics of Indian cooking via email and online chat.

After giving us all the obvious reasons to love travel – new experiences, beautiful sights – Anya told us why she thinks Indians are traveling more and more;

“Indian society really has a lot of rigidity, I think people like to travel to be free from all that for a little while.”

Opportunity: Take a mini escape.

An Honest Proposal

Preity knew she loved her husband when he asked her to consider his weaknesses as well as his strengths before she said yes to his marriage proposal.

“My friends and family told her all the nice things about me, they made me sound perfect. But I wanted her to be prepared for good and bad. So I told her she should consider my weak points. I didn’t know at the time, but she told me a few years later that this made her feel sure to marry me.”




Every weekend Indians hit the cinemas for the latest Bollywood release, filled with heroes, heroines and the fantasy of love.The vending machines in the malls sell romance novellas. Indians entertain themselves with the ideals, but when it comes to long term attraction they want the truth.

Preity’s husband stood back and let her decide, he left room for attraction.

Opportunity: Entertain with Fantasy, Attract with the Truth.

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow

Shama lives in a little villa. On the ground floor, the brother in law lives with his family. Shama, her husband, Shailesh and their two kids live on the first floor. They also have two daughters of Shailesh’s sisters living with them. Years ago, her mother in law had built this house brick by brick, which they modified to make it a slightly bigger one. Shama’s mother in law sometimes lives at her brother’s in law place and sometimes at hers. After all there is only a small staircase between both the houses. And the doors are always open.



Shama’s kids love their grandmom to bits. And they were quite disappointed that granny could not accompany them to their latest holiday to Kulu Manali. This was the first time that Shama and her family was going so far (up north) for a longer holiday. Since Shailesh has a business that he runs himself, it becomes very difficult for him to take a long holiday. Normally they would just take short road trips. The kids absolutely loved traveling in the long distance train. Shama was proud of the fact that the kids ‘mixed’ around with other kids. Once they reached Kullu, it was heaven on earth. Shama loved it because it was the first time she saw snow. Her younger son loved the snow so much that he wanted to take it back home from granny. He even got a picture clicked with him and a fistful of snow in both his hands. Once they came back and the family was going through the albums, he naughtily told his grandmom; “Aaji, I wanted to get snow for you. But the by the time I got it back, it melted!!” Its one experience they will never felt. Because in their head, they still got the snow home!


Opportunity: Bring home an experience. Make memories last forever.

By Hinoti and Vipasha

Me, Myself, I.

Pune.

Shama’s house was tastefully done with little art and artifacts in different parts of her large living room. One corner of this room had a baithak (seating arrangements on the floor) with a sitar (an Indian musical instrument) and tablas placed in one corner. Our assumption was that one of the kids must be learning it. We were surprised when she said;



“I used play the sitar many years ago. Almost 10 years ago. I used to learn it from a renowned sitar player. Once the kids came along, I just didn’t find the time to play it. And it kept playing on my mind, that I was ignoring it”



The beautiful sitar has now become more of a show piece in her living room. She had forgotten herself in the 10 years since she had children, raised them and devoted her life to them. Now that they were a little grown up, she has resolved that this year she would get back to her passion - MUSIC. Not just that, this year she took part in a regional play and even won the best actress award for it. She had also started making pretty hand made cards with dry pressed flowers and leaves. We felt that there was an artist in her dying to come out.

There were very few women who we met, who had time for anything besides their family and children. While it came as a natural instinct for Anuja who was an electrical engineer, to give up her career to become what she always wanted to be - a housewife, for most of the other moms, they had no choice, no time. They were relegated to their homes before they knew. Few like Maitrin can afford a holiday in the hills in Kanchanjunga – away from her children, away from the world to find themselves.

Opportunity: Reignite the forgotten passion.

By Hinoti and Vipasha.

Computer - My New Best Friend

There wasn’t a home we went to which did not have a computer. Kids have taken to computer games even before they have learned how to read, write or talk. 5 year old Aradhana spoke about how she plays on her dad’s computer, as soon as he puts it on. Maitreyi was doing her school vacation project on the computer. Little Sharwa was “Finding Nemo” on his computer. Maitrin’s sons were into gaming and the younger one complained that his older sibling would hide the password from him; otherwise he would have played for longer.



While gaming on the computer was restricted to an hour during weekdays, mothers like Maitrin and Ayengla complained that their kids were gaming close to 3 – 4 hours during the vacation.

Gone are the days when we could spot kids in the playground, sweating, dirty, mucky. It’s all virtual now. The computer has taken over. And to top it they loved the idiot box too. And re-runs of movies on DVD’s and of course, the ever popular “Game Boy”.



So while Maitrin’s son was a soccer fan – knew all the teams, their players, but did not spend even an hour playing the same sport in the playground.

Opportunity – Get the kids out of their homes.
Or meet them in their new world.

By Hinoti and Vipasha

Be the Best

There is just so much pressure on Indian kids. Most moms want their kids to be all rounders and ‘best’ in everything. Hence they are normally running from one class to another – from swimming to music to bollywood dancing.

Anuja was very vehement in saying that ‘I want Neha and Sharwa to be the best in whatever they do’. So while the kids have the liberty to eventually take up any profession they like, they have to excel in studies first and then their jobs.



Manjusha said, “If Maitreyi gets good marks in her board exams next year, it will be a certificate for me that I have done a good job in bringing her up”.

Even Moni’s high point would be when Aradhana did well at school. Are the moms putting too much pressure on the kids to excel?

Even the kids are very different then how we used to be, when we were younger. We were so shy about showing off our achievements. While both Aradhana and Simran were ‘showing off’ their 10/10 marks and their work books. It’s almost like they were mini-adults. Are they losing their innocence too fast? I wouldn't want to be a kid again!

Opportunity: Don’t underestimate kids.

By Hinoti and Vipasha

Miss the Roses

While Devangi still got her private moments with her husband, Preity would have loved to get some. It was especially difficult as she has younger children. Preity missed “getting the roses” from Dinesh, her husband. And Manjusha said ‘He has to say ‘love you’ in the end, otherwise I won’t let him hang up”. Maitrin, a divorcee, felt that she’d forgotten what it felt to touch someone.



Normally once the children come in, they play an ironic role in helping parents bond over their problems, health and future. They are also the reason that most couples agree to co-exist. But the romance slowly creeps out of most marriages. All private moments between couples had the kids with them.

While some women had accepted their “lot” in the marriage, one could feel the desire for romance. Why did the word ‘love’ make them squeamish and embarrassed? They spoke about “the engagement period” when they were being wooed or the heady initial days of marriage, except for Moni. In its own way, it felt that it is very difficult to be romantic about someone with whom you have lived for a decade. It’s time she got to smell the roses again!

Opportunity: Bring back the romance. Bring back the “engagement” period.

By Hinoti and Vipasha

Bollywood Love

Pune



Dimple and her husband Nishit had just come back from holiday in Europe. They went to all the dream locations – from Amsterdam to Paris to Rome. Being from a country that knows romantic love only by what they see in the Bollywood films, it was not surprising for us when Dimple told us that her husband always imagined kissing her in a metro (subway train) like they show in Hindi movies.

So when they finally got into the train, in spite of them being accompanied by their relatives (many of them much older) and even their 2 year old daughter, Tanisha, they decided to kiss in the train to experience ‘what it feels like’ to kiss in a train – straight from the movies. And they loved the experience. It is something she said she will never forget.

Opportunity: Don’t just take them to places. Let them experience it.

The “Middlemen” in Love Marriages

Traditionally all arranged marriages have a middleman who brings the proposal from one family to another. The same holds true in Love marriages too. This time it’s the friends of the couple who help them play cupid. Priety and Dinesh were brought together by friends. So were Ayengla and Storms and Shama and Shailesh. It’s the friends who do the flirting for them. They are the ones who tease the couple and sometimes play the ‘middlemen’ in passing on messages. Shama and Shailesh were in a large group of friends and it was a friend who first passed on Shailesh’s message that he was interested in her, when they were studying in Ferguson College.

Opportunity: Talk to her directly!
Make wooing easy.

Open But Private

In the cities of India everyone is very close – literally. Cousins and friends are sandwiched between each other on motorbikes. Families crowd together in the malls and stores. There’s a lovely ease and comfort to the closeness. It has been really noticeable to Sandy and I that very few couples show their affection in public. It has made us wonder about the nature of physical relationships.



Today we had the opportunity to chat to Maitrin, a Mom who has been married and recently divorced, about the paradox of sexual closed-ness in the land of Karma Sutra.
“It is all private, it happens between husbands and wives behind closed doors. And if the whole family shares a sleeping room it happens quietly in the dark when everyone else is asleep.”

For most Indian people, there is no way to learn about sex before marriage. Advice isn’t passed down from older sisters or cousins. People don’t read about it or discuss it.

“There’s a saying; ‘Nature will teach you’” said Maitrin. This makes sense in India where nature has the answer for almost any question.

“Most of the time, both the man and the woman know very little, so they learn together, and that’s the beauty of it.” “If a couple want to show their love for each other they can do nice things for each other, like the husband can help in the kitchen. And a lot can be said through the eyes.”

Opportunity: Help them find more private moments in such an open world.

Famiy Teachings

While nuclear families appear modern and free from the limitations of the joint family they also appear to be missing out on the old traditions of life here in India. Children are raised by modern parents who do not adhere to some of the more traditional aspects of the culture that make it unique to the rest of the world.

Preity and her husband Dinesh live in his parent’s home with their two beautiful girls. Dinesh is a merchant sea man and has been offered shore jobs several times, but always in countries where his parents could visit but not live. With his off shore job he comes home every 3 months to “give his girls love” before heading back out to sea again.

Given that Dinesh’s parents are much older, Pretty is the disciplinarian, teacher, cook and caregiver to her children and elderly in-laws. She loves it when her husband comes home as he makes her feel “safe”. He takes care of the home and gives the girl’s the attention they deserve.

And yet, despite the involvement of these two parents, the children still prefer their grandparents. The eldest daughter gets up every morning at 6 to take a walk with her elderly grandfather. When she returns home, she will sit and pray with him even though neither of her parents pray regularly. He teaches them about their religion, their family history and traditional Indian customs.

We have to wonder … with more and more nuclear families popping up, what will be the long term impact on the culture and history of the Indian family without the older generation to teach the youngest?

Opportunity: Find new ways to keep the stories alive.

Phoenix From The Ashes

Maitrin’s smile lights up the room. Her energy and thirst for life is contagious. She’s recently climbed to first base camp in the Himilayas, taken a new teaching job, and is looking for more adventures and opportunities.

But Maitrin has an amazing story. She got married for love to a man that the whole family loved, and had two beautiful boys. 10 years later her husband tried drugs, became addicted, and over the following 5 years their marriage fell apart, as he partied and began an affair with an 18 year old.

In India divorce is taboo. Divorced women get constant pity and judgment from their community that extends to their kids and parents.

For 3 years after the split, Maitrin went through incredible hardship. There were no other divorced friends to offer support. Her neighbors pitied her and her boys. Eventually she moved to a new city and started fresh. She and the boys tell anyone who asks, that their Dad has become a ‘sage’ and lives a spiritual life.

“No-one argues with religion, so when we say that no-one asks again.”

She also has a sister and brother in law who supported her decision, and she was able to go home to live with her parents, who were able to take her back, having never had a son, they didn’t have another family living with them.

The 3 year struggle has passed and she now talks about her divorce in an incredibly positive way.



“I can open doors for my boys that were never open for me…. I tell him not to hurry into marriage, I would be happy for him to marry a German if that made him happy. I want them to see the world. They can have what I couldn’t have.”

Opportunity: Ignite The Power Of One

The Value of Values

We met Adjid at his beautiful home here in Pune. The penthouse of a new complex complete with an incredible rooftop garden. He and his wife, Nupur, just had their first child 6 days ago; a beautiful baby boy sleeping quietly in their bed. After 8 years of marriage and a difficult pregnancy that left Nupur in bed for the entire 9 months, they were overjoyed at finally having a young son.



Raising a child however, is not something new to Adjid. He acts as a father figure to his 2 nephews. Their mother Maitrim is going through a divorce and over the past 4 years, he has become close to the boys. Adjid was born and raised in the UK and Africa however, and is very clear that the values he is instilling in the boys are not the values most Indian fathers encourage.

He expects them to help out at home setting the table, clearing the dishes.
He expects them to get their own drink if they want it instead of yelling for their mother or helper.
He expects them to eat dinner with the family instead of in front of the TV.
He expects them to be polite to all adults and not just to him or their father.
He expects them do something in their day other than computer games.
And he expects them to feed themselves … or go hungry.

He speaks gently to them, but very honestly. He corrects them when they are wrong without making them feel inferior. He has an amazing influence on them.



When I asked Adjid what the difference is between how he is helping to raise these boys and most Indian children, he is clear to tell us that “these boys will not be spoiled like many Indian boys. If they do something wrong they must understand it is wrong. Other boys in the building will break the lights or damage the cars when outside playing football in the parking lot. The guards will say nothing as the parents will defend the children. I believe the children need to know what is right and what is wrong. “

When asked what the difference is between his mother’s home and his father’s, Adjid’s nephew refers to the rules. Indicating that he can watch as much TV or play as much computer as he likes. He can eat when he wants, what he wants at his fathers. And yet when I ask him which home he prefers “my mother’s” he replies.

We have met many children over the past few days but this young boy was without a doubt the most polite. He was respectful of his mother, grandmother, aunt and uncle. He sat with us and listened while we chatted. He helped his Grandmother clear our table of tea cups. When asked a question he tried his best to answer.

His mother Maitrim and Adjid, along with the rest of the family are doing something right. They are teaching the boys to work. To be respectful. To have ambition.

Opportunity: Give children the rules they crave.

Daughters for Life

Mumbai



The newspapers are rampant with stories about female infanticide, female feticide, dowry deaths and what not. A clear indication that daughters are still considered as liabilities in some strata’s of society, hence parents would love to have a son heir. Yet most of the mothers we met had daughters and were happy about it.

Devangi, inspite of having two sons said “Your son's a son until he gets a wife.
Your daughter's a daughter for all your life.” And she spoke from experience of having lived in a joint family post marriage.

All the moms we spoke to couldn’t have agreed more about what Devangi said.

Who would have thought, in a country like India - where your entire family (of 6 – 8 people) comes to drop you to the airport when you take your trip abroad, where a joint family is no less than 15 people – the retirement home business is starting to see prospects here.

The growing intolerance among younger people coupled with their inability to adjust to the conservative mindset of their parent’s generation, have stimulated the rise of old age homes in India.

Surprisingly, we did come across a set of young parents who said “you never know what the future holds, even we might be in an old-age home twenty years from now”.

Opportunity: Make them feel wanted in their old age.  Give them the love like their daughters would.

By Hinoti and Vipasha.